Guest Article

Guest Article: Why Newbies Are Like Strippers

The author: Indiana Catch-Wrestling Legend Bocephus McGurth
bocephus mcgurk
This article is not our work, nor do the views or opinions expressed in this article reflect those of  In fact, I was very reluctant to associate myself with any guest writers. For this reason, everything on our site to this point has been the hard work of Jena and myself, but recently I came across a gentleman who had an unwavering and passionate stance on jiu jitsu. I felt it was my duty that his voice was heard.

Why Newbies Are Like Strippers

By: Indiana Catch-Wrestling Legend Bocephus McGurth

The most common question I get asked from my non-Jiu-Jitsu friends is, “Don’t you get hurt a lot?”.  The answer is, no.  But, this did prompt me to think of the injuries I have received in the past 9 years.  The list is short: Black eyes, a busted lip, hyper-extended thumb, hyper-extended big toe, jammed fingers etc.  Nothing serious, but definitely painful, and most certainly NOT what I was trying to accomplish.

With that in my, why do I get hurt?  What went wrong?  This is a game of technique, “The Gentle Art”.   I shouldn’t be getting hurt.   Is there some black belt hell bent on dominating me in practice?  Was it some Pan Am champion who destroyed me for their own benefit?  Was I bullied by a bigger opponent for their amusement? No. This is NEVER the case at the academy I attend.  Almost all of my injuries have one thing in common.  All of my most recent injuries have come from training with anew white belt.  I am not referring to a 6-month white belt who is making progress and learning the art.  I’m talking about the guy who hasn’t even bought his Gi yet, the guy who came in and asked, “Do you train UFC here? Can I try it tonight?”.  I call them “Super-Douche Newbies”.  They have never competed, don’t know an arm bar from a cash bar, and are always rolling like their sisters life is at stake while experiencing a Def-Con 4 Level Panic Attack… The Super-Douche NEWBIE (patent-pending).

So why did I get hurt?  Am I to blame at all? Hell yeah, it’s probably my fault, but I’m not writing the article to take the blame. It’s their fault. They didn’t know technique, they didn’t know anything.  They just know one thing. Today, they are going for it, and they could care less about me and my job, family, etc.  They flail their arms, they push and pull, and when something doesn’t work they squeeze tighter, push harder, or move faster.  This is what a human does when they don’t know what to do, and Super Douche Newbies amplify this experience ten-fold.

Then I realized something that was so profound, it was damn near life-changing.  An epiphany that I feel compelled to share.  Every Jiu-Jitsu practitioner should know this and live by this rule:  “Super-Douche Newbies are a lot like strippers.”

Let me explain my hypothesis…

Whether it’s strippers or newbies, you see them and think, “I can probably do whatever I want with them”, and you are absolutely right.  You can almost always do exactly whatever it is you want to them.  But, the thing to remember is whether it’s a stripper or a newbie, you’ll have your fun, but at the end of the day you may end up at the doctor.

Thanks for Reading.  Now go to class.